you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
