i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
