Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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