she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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