I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
