Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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