omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
