it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I accidentally burped into my bong.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
