you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
