i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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