Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
