Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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