i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
where are my eyebrows?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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