I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
