"it" just moved
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize