Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
