I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
