She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
