hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize