dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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