took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
