TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
