I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
