6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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