Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
