it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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