the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize