So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
