I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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