Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize