Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
