I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
