I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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