First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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