just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
