Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
