Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
