Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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