You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
