Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
this boner is exhausting
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
