I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
