I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
