I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
