they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
