We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize