bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
