So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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