Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
