she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
