Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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