1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You were trust falling into bushes
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
