I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
