Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Randomize
