I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
