i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
