well you can't waste a boner
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
