you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
