Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
