he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
