I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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