someone threw a dead crab at me
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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