I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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