I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
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